Chances Don't Matter Anymore
by Aoierika
Summary: "She's not dead." "Who?" "Sachi. She's not dead." The chances of Sachi being alive were one in a thousand, no, one in a million, maybe even more. But when Kirito learns that what was just a fantasy to him, a wishful thought, is a reality, 1% doesn't seem all that improbable anymore. A story of Sachi and Kirito's road to recovery.
1. Prologue

"Where's Kirito?" Ayano, also known as Silica, asked.

Sugu looked up from her school work and smiled weakly, "It's June 22nd. He likes to be alone today for some reason. I still don't know why."

"With Asuna?" Ayano asked, a little jealousy creeping into her voice. Sugu noticed and giggled.

"No, really alone. I asked Asuna and even she doesn't know."

"That was before he met me," Ayano pondered, "And I think I was the first one he met. It was Asuna and then Klein..."

"Asuna only told me that some people close to him died, but she clams up afterwards."

Ayano sighed, "There's still so much he's not letting go of. I wish I could help."

Sugu smiled wistfully. She felt the same, but that was how Kazuto was. He had already improved greatly from before the game. When she knew him before, they barely talked. He was antisocial and scared. He didn't open up and just silently put the world on his shoulders. Now, he allowed himself to be surrounded by others. He let others lean on him and he let himself lean on others. She couldn't force her brother to tell her anything he didn't want to. He would find it in his own time. For now, she could only let him know that she was there, no matter what.

"Asuna, what's up?" It was rare for the ginger to meet Klein at the bar. The girl had a troubled expression on her face and sat herself down on a stool.

"It's Kirito," she said, "Its June 22nd."

"What's Jun-" he broke off and took on a somber expression, "That's the day the Black Cats..."

Asuna nodded, "I'm scared he's never going to forgive himself for it," she held a fist to her chest, "I can feel him hurting..."

"He might not forgive himself," Klein said, "But that does not mean he won't move on. There are scars everyone must carry. That... was a life-changing moment for him."

A tear rolled down Asuna's cheek, "I just think of how alone he was, and I hate that everyday this day comes, he plunges himself into that pit again. He doesn't need to punish himself like this."

"He's come a long way, Asuna," Klein reassured, "Just give him time."

But she wanted to give him so much more than that. She wanted to give him peace.


	2. Moonless Night

He was supposed to be happy. He had finished his last final exam yesterday and summer officially began today. His vacation was supposed to begin today. He wanted to laugh bitterly at that. He promised that he wouldn't do this to himself again. He wouldn't remind himself. That he wouldn't do it to Suguha and worry her. He wouldn't worry Asuna. And her. He was supposed to be happy. Instead of joining his friends in Alfheim Online, he was grieving by himself. Why had he made such an irresponsible promise, then? Why hadn't he just... why wasn't he stronger then? The incident was still fresh in his memory.

There was a look of horror on everyone's face as they realized their crystals could not work. Ducker collapsed from the shock, teleportation crystal clattering out of reach. He looked up in time only to see the gnomes raising their axes to hack away at him. His cries of terror woke Kirito up, then. He died. He was gone. Ducker shattered away and Kirito had let it happen. Then Tetsuo, let out a desperate scream as he, too, vanished. That might have been one of the worst things about Player Deaths: they didn't leave a trace. And they disappeared right next to him. Right before his eyes. And Sachi... she trusted him. The reason she died is because he ran towards her and reached out his arm, so she got distracted. It was his fault. It was all his fault.

True, those were the days of the past, but Kirito never forgave himself. It was a nightmare to remember. In a second, just when he thought he was safe, just when he thought that he found people who he could trust and love. Who he could lean on, they were picked off one by one. He was all alone again. But this time, it hurt so much more. Back then, he thought that he shouldn't have let anyone in. He didn't deserve to live. He ducked his head into his knees and wept. He wept for everything that went wrong, for all the people that died, all the people he let down, all the people he hurt, all the people he didn't save. It didn't seem that Sword Art Online was ever left behind. It followed him, waiting for a moment of weakness so that it could jump and scream into his ear and remind him: You're a murderer and a coward. You don't deserve any of this.

He knew it wasn't true. Suguha told him it wasn't true and Asuna definitely didn't think so. Not even Sachi thought so. All his friends would never label him as that. But the dark shadow couldn't help but creep up anytime had smiled or laughed. He had not done enough to earn the right to smile. He thought he could do everything by himself. And then had gotten everyone around him hurt. The tears wouldn't stop leaving his eyes, they were overflowing and dropping on the floor.

Kirito was in his room with the door locked and the lights off. Sugu knew that, but she left him alone. She didn't want to, but last year, he had forced her out which gave her a clear message. She wasn't happy about it and chewed him out the day after. He was laying on his side, legs curled up slightly with his arm reaching out slightly towards the center of the bed. He stretched his fingers and closed his eyes. If he tried hard enough, he could imagine Sachi was still there, too. She was still there. She was safe and alive and doing something somewhere. Then, he'd open his eyes and in his cloudy and teary view, Sachi's green eyes were fluttering closed as she drifted off to sleep. It only lasted a second. He clenched his fist in agony.

"Sachi..."


	3. Sunlit Rain

"There are rumors that the Sword Art Online Survival School is going to get a transfer student," someone behind Kirito was saying.

"How does that make sense? No one recently woke up, right?"

"They took a break from school."

"Man, it's kind of a relief, do you know what I mean? It's like, thank God someone else survived."

The students of Sword Art Online shared a fragile bond- no one wanted to talk about it, but everyone knew about it. Kirito remembered that in the beginning, he didn't feel connected to anyone. He fondly remembered his anxiety when everyone grouped up and left him out, prompting him to scoot over to Asuna. It had already been three years since they all met. Now, he felt like everyone in the school understood him. He didn't feel as alienated.

He closed his eyes. It was another year. He didn't want to let Sword Art Online control his life, and it really didn't. But it was hard when the worst experience of his life was also the cause of a tremendous amount of growth and had given him so many precious people in his life. It was neither all good nor all bad. He clenched his fist. He didn't want to think about it anymore.

"It's been another year," Asuna carefully fit her fingers between Kirito's.

The statement seemed neutral and it was so vague but Kirito knew what she was talking about. The two of them had started seeing their life in terms of the death game. Before SAO, during SAO, and after SAO.

It was four years since they had been plunged into the game. It seemed like yesterday he had been carrying his swords on his back and slashing through different monsters and watching his comrades fall around him. He didn't want to carry the burden with him, and people had reminded him over and over, _it's over, it's over, it's over._ But it defined him now. He was scared of going back to how he was before; untrusting, scared, lonely. He could feel it now, that there were people around him. And most of all, there was Asuna. Asuna was the same as him. She didn't care if she died or if she lived, until she met Kirito. Through each other, Asuna and Kirito found the will to live and to fight. They had a debt and a bond to each other that they didn't share with the others.

If Kirito wasn't so dense, he would have realized that he was a source of inspiration and light for others around him. But he felt like the Kirito that the others admired was not the real him. They liked the hero that fearlessly went and fought. They wanted the Kirito that dropped cool lines and laughed happily. He felt like that wasn't the Kirito that Asuna wanted or expected. Asuna just wanted him.

These insecurities and assumptions were in Kirito's subconscious. He was wrong, of course, but his interactions with Asuna in Sword Art Online allowed him to trust her. It was pointless to try and explain their relationship because in many ways, it didn't make any sense. But emotions are irrational and whatever it is the couple found, it has continued to blossom and nurture itself. Maybe it was too intense for high school students to feel, but they didn't have to worry about that. After all, they had been through way too much for high school students to endure.

* * *

If someone asked Asuna when she fell for Kirito, she would be able to tell them. It started out as gratitude. When the two of them teamed up to defeat the first-floor boss, she was thankful to him, secretly. She didn't join any of the other parties and despite putting on an uncaring façade, she felt insecure and scared. Then, Kirito sidled up to her and offered to join forces. He was kind, polite, and a little reserved. She liked that because it wasn't overbearing or intimidating. Then, he encouraged her and told her to live. Had anyone went out of the way to say something like that to her before? Since that moment, he was always in the back of her mind somewhere.

Then, of course, when she fell asleep in the grass. She had lived her life as a perfect Asuna. In real life, she lived up to her parents' expectations- pristine, together, and elegant. In Sword Art Online, she was The Flash and The Berserk Healer. The Vice Commander of the Oath of the Blood Nights and on the front lines, day after day, fighting tirelessly and relentlessly. She was a hero. But who could live like that for their whole life?

She convinced herself that it didn't matter because everyone was scared to die. Everyone wanted to get out. She wasn't scared to die, so it wouldn't matter if she died on the battlefield. Because of her courage, it was only fit that she risked her life the most, so when she saw Kirito lying in the grass without a care in the world, a rage lit inside of her. The Black Swordsman had a responsibility as one of the most powerful players in the game to press onward. If he was fearless enough to relax in the middle of the day, his time should be spent in the battlefield, like her time was.

When she called him out for it, he began to ramble some nonsense about the weather. Initially, she got even angrier, but she slowly became fascinated. He was saying that their reality was the Virtual world around them. He wanted to enjoy his life at every moment, and life stuck in this death game was still life. Asuna was someone who didn't care about life. She could die any second, that's what she believed. Life was nothing to her. It's not like she _wanted_ to die, but she wouldn't mind. She simply didn't see a point in it besides the fact that she was already there.

But Kirito was different. Kirito was enjoying every last second. Kirito _loved_ life. The dialogue he said to her completely changed her. She had seen Sword Art Online as a fake life to break out of. Then, once she broke out, she'd continue the strict and rigid lifestyle that she did before. However, Sword Art Online wasn't fake. It was not necessarily a physical reality, no, but the interactions, the memories, and the actions they did in the virtual reality were real. Life was processed through the brain. She was still living. She just hadn't considered that there was more than one way to do it. And that was the moment she lied in the grass beside him and closed her eyes to enjoy the sunlight that trickled through the tree branches.

She never told him her thoughts during that interaction. She kept it to herself because it was her treasure. It was the moment in her life that everything changed, and she didn't want to change Kirito's image of the moment. Did he even know what he did to her with those few words? She didn't know, but she wanted the memory to remain as authentic as it could for both of them. For Kirito, it was just another day in the game, in life. For Asuna, it was the day her life began.


End file.
